A THANKFUL HEART IS A HAPPY HEART

After reading Mrs Brown's letter to someone yesterday, I felt like writing down my own thoughts about my son, Barnabas. She wrote to encourage the person who has a autistic child. it was really touching.

Actually, there were many questions on my mind when he passed on. I know no one can really give me answers to them except the Lord. Still right now I choose to relive those painful memories. Somehow, It feels like peeling from a healed wound.

When Barn passed away, I wondered why God took him away only after 7 months. Why not earlier so that I will not be attached to him emotionally? Well, I realised that the Lord knew I needed those times to learn to trust and depend on Him totally, He knew I hate to lose control over situations. I remembered when Barn had to go thru' emergencies and Tommy was at work, I was left all alone outside the ICU feeling very helpless. I just sat on the steps and cry softly for God to help him. Then the Holy Spirit reminded me to give thanks in all situations. Many times, I sat there crying, singing and giving thanks. Yes, The Lord gave me supernatuarl strength to do this. I was stil worried but knowing that the Lord is with me brought comfort to my heart.

The worst part was to watched your child died slowly before you. I could recalled Barn was coughing out blood and bile. He was almost lifeless that night. I did not even dare to look or go close to him cos I knew I would not be able to take it. When he passed away that morning, I never felt so lost before. I could not describe the pain and sadness I felt that day. I guess it feels like a dagger stabbing into your heart a miillion times! When we had to walk him down the hospital mortuary, I carried him and cried silently down the corridor. It was the most painful and longest walk of my life. I asked the Lord why? I told no one cos I knew they would not understand. Now I know how painful it is for God to watch His only Son nailed to the cross and died for people like us. He even had to turn his back on him. That day, God taught me to let go and trust that He knows best.

Again, at the wake, I thought God would raised Barn from the dead like Lazarus. I really really wanted that to happen (only ale knows abt this!). But it did not. God has other plans. He wanted me to see pain as a form of strength. I know I will never be able to be who I am today without Him. I knew I had to let go and give thanks for things I do not understand and believe that all things work together for good for those who loves God, to those who are called according to His purpose. Indeed, a thankful heart is a happy heart.

God is the strength of my heart, my first love, my first breath and my first joy. The world can never take that away from me. I love the lyrics of this song, it speaks of what I really feels: "My First Love, forever You wil be, My First Breath, You're the Life I breathe, My First Joy, the world can never take from me, my covenant with You, Jesus."

ps: a note to a dear friend whose child is diagnosed with autisim. I cannot say I understand how you feel but I admired your courage and faith in God. I believed the Lord heard your every prayers for healing and providence just as He did for me. Luv you and God bless!